Disclaimer: The following article represents the author’s opinion and in no way reflects the thoughts and feelings of the staff of thenerdmentality.com or its affiliates.
Roughly a decade ago, I worked with a man who came in one morning and declared that the cashier at the local grocery store was a woman so homely she was attractive. I listened to him as he described this possible 10th Wonder of the World (the 8th and 9th being former WWE Stars Andre the Giant and Chyna, respectively), and eventually convinced him to allow me to be his wingman for a return trip later that day. The descriptions didn’t disappoint, and I couldn’t do justice to repeat them here lest I send you dear readers off on a madman’s quest that would be akin to ancient sailors encountering the dreaded Sirens of Greek lore. Instead, I present to you a list of women in Hollywood who, while attractive, are unconventionally so as far as normal standards of beauty are concerned, and where you can best ogle them, because I’m a man, and that’s what I do.
If Molly Ringwald spent her formative years living in a trailer park and smoking a pack a day, she’d be Fairuza Balk. Not that being Fairuza Balk is a bad thing, she’s definitely got that “girl you wouldn’t want to bring home to meet Mother” vibe. Since starting her career in 1983 she’s been in a lot of movies and television, most notably The Craft, The Waterboy, and Almost Famous. She hasn’t done a lot of note as of late, but according to her IMDB page she’s still fairly active in stuff that you’ve never heard of. Her finest moment, however, comes from playing Edward Norton’s white supremacist girlfriend in American History X. Not only does she show some boob, but she somehow makes Hitler’s haircut sexy, which has since made watching World War II documentaries a little awkward because I keep getting erections.
Growing up, my best friend’s mom was really hot. When the gang would meet up at our buddy’s house, she’d always be there drinking wine and making inappropriate comments toward us impressionable youth. But she was classy about it, the same way that I think Sigourney Weaver is classy for an older lady who probably knows a few things and hits on her kids’ underage friends. Everyone remembers Sigourney from Ghostbusters and Gorillas in the Mist, but the best role she ever did was in Alien, when she stripped down to her underwear, buttcrack hanging out, and blew a monster out of an airlock. That moment birthed a fetish in me that only certain Japanese cartoons could satiate.
Remember that girl in high school that was maybe one rung out of your league on the social ladder? The one who might date you if her friends wouldn’t give her crap about it? Then you graduate and enjoy your life until you go to your ten year high school reunion and she’s got two divorces under her belt, maybe a crotch fruit or three, and the desperate need to feel attractive again? You’ve had a few drinks at this point, and she still smells kinda nice, so you’re into the idea of a quickie in a men’s room stall, but afterwards you’ve got a class 2 clinger and no more self respect? That’s Dungeons and Dragons‘ Thora Birch. She was topless for a minute in American Beauty, but since she was seventeen at the time I can’t count that as a career highlight unless I want to go on a pervert list, but if you’re ever in the mood for dirty talk to fill those lonely Saturday nights, check her out in Ghost World.
I watch a lot of documentaries about Extraterrestrials. One of the theories that a lot of these propose is that the aliens have been visiting us and splicing our DNA with theirs to create hybrids. I postulate that Christina Ricci is one of those such experiments…gone incredibly sexy. Look at that forehead. I mean really look at it. It’s huge. And her face, shaped like those drawings you used to see people draw of aliens on Unsolved Mysteries. The only thing missing is the black eyes. But she’s a sexy hybrid, she can have human eyes with an alien skull and forehead. If I ever got the chance, I’d do sensual things to that forehead to see if it’s an alien erogenous zone. I’m willing to bet it is. Christina Ricci would be putty in my normal, human hands. The rest of her looks pretty human though, as 2006’s Black Snake Moan will attest. She spends most of that movie naked and chained to Samuel L. Jackson’s radiator. Why that film didn’t sweep the Academy Awards that year is a different conspiracy entirely.
I was hesitant to include Miss Piggy on this list, considering she’s a barnyard animal and all, and I’m not a fan of being put on lists requiring me to notify the sheriff’s department if I ever want to move, but dammit, if finding a puppet with cleavage attractive is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Piggy is a woman of class and sophistication, and you can’t help but wonder if Jim Henson gave her nipples or are they just two well rounded bits of foam? Piggy will never tell, because she’s not that kind of woman, unless you managed to give her a few Long Island Iced Teas, then she’s down for the really kinky stuff. At least that’s what Kermit says, anyway.
I already know my courtship with Aubrey Plaza is doomed before it even begins, but that doesn’t stop her from topping my list. See, Miss Plaza has the eyes of someone who wouldn’t hesitate to stab you with a pair of scissors in your sleep, and you can’t put a price tag on that kind of crazy. Much like the female Praying Mantis, she devours her mate once she’s finished with them, and that in an of itself is one of the reasons for her inclusion on this list. Aside from her being the star of the hit NBC sitcom Parks and Recreation, that is. Recently, she’s started showing midriff in various films but no nudity that I’m actually aware of…though I don’t mind it because her iconic deadpan delivery reminds me of those edging videos I see on the internet. You know, the ones where they insult you into arousal? Or maybe I’ve just been rejected so often I get turned on when women call me names?