Uncle Manhammer has agreed to do some stupid things in his life. I ate ghost peppers twice on a dare. The first one I ate to prove I would do it and the second was in response to someone calling me a sissy for nearly dying from the first one. Another time I decided to let my car tags expire for almost two years in an ill-fated attempt to avoid vehicle emissions testing. The cop who impounded my car was visibly impressed I’d gone that long, so I had that going for me. For some reason, I decided getting married was a good idea. It wasn’t. The point of all this is that you’d think at some point I’d stop being so damn stupid. Well Nieces and Nephews, for some reason I agreed to review My Little Pony The Movie from our friends at Lionsgate. This choice is going on the above list.
The Movie Itself (1/5)
I knew I was in for a rough ride because the film starts with the Friendship Festival. The last time I saw one of these; Chris Jericho tried to show his appreciation for his best friend Kevin Owens and got beat up for his trouble. But no, this time a bunch of different colored horses makes balloon animals, decorates, and hands out apple cider. And they break out into song to make another horse feel better.
This is about the time I wish I was high while watching. I remind myself I’m a man watching My Little Pony The Movie.
Rolling in alongside my dread for the rest of the film, an airship comes from a black storm cloud and out pop an angry hedgehog and weird unicorn to try and steal the magic from the pony princesses. Of course, the rest of the horses resist and then they have to go meet the Queen of the Hippos but not before a bunch of horses in Canterlot (yep, not a typo) are captured. Well, the escaped horses go to a desert and some cat convinces these people in Bartertown that the horses have some kind of clitoris disease and they sing a song… because everything is a song…
I’m starting to think my creator has forsaken me. Again, I tell myself I’m a grown ass man watching My Little Pony The Movie.
The bad guys show up in Bartertown and the horses realize that they’re looking for Queen of the “Hippogryphs” and I’m crying because the faces of everyone I’ve wronged are coming back to haunt me as I review this and I just want it to be over. But it’s not over and they sing and pirates show up and then they go meet seaponies… and is this… is this what Hell is? Because I’m pretty sure I might have died and I’m in Hell…
Look, I’m a 35-year-old man who agreed to review My Little Pony The Movie movie as a gag. But the joke was on me since I still had to review it. I’m not the audience for this, I hated every minute of it, and the plot was outright bizarre. I didn’t see anything in this film that would turn me into a “Brony” and frankly, I’m now scared of men my age who watch this stuff of their own volition because it’s an indicator of a mental illness.
Visuals/Picture Quality (5/5)
Nothing is wrong with how the video looks. It’s ponies in different colors doing different color things.
Score/Audio Quality (5/5)
The sound isn’t bad at all. I heard everything. EVERY SONG. IT’S IN MY BRAIN LIKE A LOVECRAFTIAN HORROR.
Special Features (x/5)
I didn’t watch any of these. I’m not rating something I haven’t watched. You can’t make me, Rich. But I’ll list them here. Because of reasons.
- Deleted Scene
- Equestria Girls Short
- Baking with Pinkie Pie
- Making Magic with the Mane 6 and Their New Friends
- The Journey Beyond Equestria
- I’m the Friend You Need – Music Video
- Hanazuki: Full of Treasures
Packaging (3/5)
It’s in a Blu-ray case with a Blu-ray disc, DVD, and Digital Copy. There’s a slipcover, too. Nothing special. And thankfully there’s no glitter inside the case, which I was kinda expecting. My Aunt used to do that to me in birthday cards. You can never vacuum all that up.
Technical Specs
Video
- Aspect ratio: 2.39:1
Audio
- English DTS Master Audio 5.1
- Spanish: Dolby Digital 5.1
Subtitles
- English SDH
- Spanish
Runtime: 99 Mins
Overall (2/5)
If I were a little girl, sure the rainbow barf cuteness factor might come into play and this would be an enjoyable experience. I can even understand being forced to watch as an adult with children because that’s what you do when you’re a parent. As it stands, I don’t get this. It wasn’t made for me or people like me, so if you identify with me on any level you should pass on this. If you want to make your child or children happy and they’re into this, go for it.
Note: This Blu-ray was sent to us for review. This has not affected our judgement or editorial process in any way. Please contact us if you have any questions regarding this process.
